Currently Listening Goodbye My Lover By James Blunt see related

We just keep on keeping on...

I really have no right to complain.  So from now on, I guess all we can do is keep on huh... chin up, head high (or rather, buried in my books) and face life with no fear.  No fear now, Boston later.  Or Austin.  I read in this week's Fortune magazine that Boston is one of the few large U.S. cities whose population is actually decreasing.  Something about that new construction project tunnel thing collapsing on a car.  You know what that means, don't you?  More available apartments for me and Johnnikins!  Or Austin.... it would be cheaper.  We'll see... can't think about exit strategies now.  I suppose it's about that time of life when you're supposed to struggle through round patches.  I guess I always thought that rough patches were for people who didn't do well in school and didn't care and all that stuff, but I'm learning a lot to the contrary.  The realization kind of blows.  Here's to reality kicking you when you're already down - who knew it knew no mercy?

Currently Listening All The Stars And Boulevards see related

I think I'll go to Boston...

I've been home for almost a week now after my trip to NYC, and I have never felt so restless in my entire life.  For most of my college career, I was actually quite content and even happy to be the one person in my circle of high school friends to stay in LA... and every Christmas break and summer vacation, my girls + one would come home (to their families, to Arcadia but most importantly, to me).  Well maybe that wasn't the most important thing to them, but it sure was to me.  Anyway, I never wanted to leave southern Cali... sure a move to OC was probably in my future, but dude, I practically half lived in OC since I was visiting John all the time.  I had a grand ole time dissing norcal and how it hella sucked, and wondered why anyone would not want to live here.  I mean, why do you think the real estate bubble was onto something?  Maybe because 1/8th of all Americans have it right - Cali is the place to be.  The weather, the lovely and beautiful people, the beach, the hills - doesn't it seem like we have it all here?  And what else could you ask for?  Then nyc happened and although it was a lovely city (just like it was a lovely city the last time I was there) and although I had the world's best tour guide in Kelv, I didn't understand why school friends went to work there.  I mean, the upper east side is gorgeous, but it's too crowded everywhere else... I knew and expected the subways to be crowded, but for gosh sakes I couldn't even enjoy the MoMA because there were too many people in there.  And people don't realize that you're not supposed to talk in museums.  Call me a stickler for rules, but some people like appreciating their Van Gogh in SILENCE.  But I digress. 

So as happy as I was to be in the same city with Johnnikins and Kelvin, I was happy to go back to California, and as I drifted off to sleep on the plane, I envisioned an unsticky type of warm happiness awaiting me back in California.  But when I landed what did I find?  A STINKY STICKY HEATWAVE.  Al Gore was right - we are ruining the environment and the universe and no one even cares.  So buy your hybrid cars if you can, even if they're kind of unsightly.  Wow, this is really full of digressions, isn't it?  My point was that it wasn't the weather or anything like that, but as I went back to CPA review classes and back to TA-ing, nothing really felt the same anymore.  True, when is a four hour night class ever fun, but even TA-ing... I really liked going to that everyday, but now... it just feels like I'm going through the motions of reading and explaining and doing hw, etc.  For the first time in my life, I wanted to be somewhere else.  And not the kind of somewhere else where it's like, on vacation, but just somewhere that wasn't here.  I want out of LA and out of California.  Hence the post title... I think I'll go to Boston.  Give the Augustana song a listen when you can; they let you listen for free when you stream it off their website if you didn't download it already.  Now granted, I've never been to Boston so I'm not even sure that I would like it, but Kelv says that it just may be the town for me, so gosh darn it, I choose to believe him.  It's like New York, pared down with nicer people  who walk slower.  Snow would be nice, I'm tired of the sunsets, I think I need some sunrises.  How much am I in love with that song, and even more so because I feel like he is the male voice of my thoughts.  The great thing about John that I appreciate so much is how willing he is to pick up and leave with me, wherever my little heart desires.  So what would I be giving up if I left?  Not much of anything at all, since friends left too and John would be coming with?  Nothing against South Pas, because I'm loving it right now, but the walls of my apartment look awfully unwelcoming.  Maybe it's because I haven't had the time to even think about what I want to put up on the walls, but I need something else.  I need to be able to feel cold in my own room and turn on the heat.  I need to bundle up before going outside.  I need to put my Rainbow sandals away.  (And no this isn't an exaggerated reaction to the heat here because it's not just that.)  I need to be in a new city where I don't know where any of the streets go.  I need to sit and observe a map and not even think about getting on a freeway.  I need to walk a dog, my very own.  I need to be in the presence of something more historic than say, a university founded in 1880.  I need to have the time to go out to dinner with John when I want, and he needs to have the time for that too.  I need to be somewhere... not here.

I woke up yesterday and immediately went to my computer to mapquest the route from my apartment to Boston.  Before I even peed.  I was half asleep - how weird is that?  I'm telling you, I won't be happy until I experience someplace new.  But until then, it's CPA review and sitting for the exam and working and sitting in my A/C and wearing flip flops for me.  I'll find my way out there sometime though.  Maybe when my lease runs out.  (Because gosh knows there's no way they're making me pay a "break the lease" penalty, no sir.)

On another note, happy happy birthday, Anna!  I love you very much and miss you tremedously - good thing you're coming home soon! =) 

Here's to better days and cooler weather.  Cheers.  Now take a sip before the whole thing evaporates before your very eyes.  And the high school love of my life Lance is homosexual - knew it since freshman year but I guess people weren't listening to me then.  Remember when you used to code name your crushes so they wouldn't know that you were talking about them right in front of them?  I named one Lance, and the guy I was actually talking about, "Lance", was like, "dude, what a gay name... "  Some people have no sensitivity.  But I tell you, we were geniuses back then for thinking up something like that.  Haha, although I do appreciate the voicemails and emails and facebook messages letting me know again.  His boyfriend is kinda cute, no?  In his own "Amazing Race" way, I guess.  He looks outdoorsy.  Guess it's good if you're into that kind of thing.  (But you could technically say that about anything, couldn't you?) 

After my initial dislike of James Blunt because of the overplaying of "You're Beautiful", I've discovered his album once again and am giving it another chance in my car stereo.  Now you try.

You touched my heart you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you

Anyway, I suppose I should be getting back to studying; being online isn't helping me be productive at all.  Maybe I'll go to Boston when I get accepted by the law school of my dreams.  Till then, peace out.

Currently Listening Make Yourself By Incubus see related

So it’s definitely been a while since the last update and even as I write I can feel the death of Xanga-ing and online journaling in general, as most people who start work and get on with their lives won’t have the time to read your Xanga, and for your sake so that you won’t be left behind, you too will not have the time to write.  Which means what?  Which means that you narrow down the people you wish to reach and communicate with, and looking at your own words in an online context won’t mean so much anymore.  The people who know what goes on in your life and what troubles you will always know these things, as long as you let them know.  I have discovered the joys of journaling in an actual journal, thanks to Steph who amazingly and relentlessly documents events, feelings and little scraps of paper… these journals really make you happy looking back at them, and seeing your words online and knowing that other people are reading your words too isn’t so satisfying after all.  (Maybe this doesn’t make sense at all but listening to Gavin for the past hour or so has put me in a weird mood.  Don’t get me wrong – he doesn’t say anything too profound, but the lull has completely settled.  Maybe it has to do with it being 12:30 in the afternoon, and I can feel my freedom slipping away as tomorrow is my first day of work, and John is still asleep, which makes for a very quiet apartment.)  I’ve never dealt with loneliness too well, and I don’t anticipate dealing with it well in the future.  I’m sure being emotionally alone is much worse that being physically alone, but since I’m not too worried about the former (as long as I have John, my girls+1, SC folk and family), the latter can really send you into a tailspin.   A part of me hates the noise of a lot of people (i.e. shopping malls) but a part of me craves someone to talk to at all hours of the day and night.  Whatever… I hope this funk passes over.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty eventful… I had my graduation party at the end of the month, and I was so thankful for the wonderful company and all of my dad’s friends that I hadn’t seen in several years =P… good times except for those old people karaoking at the event next to us.  And the fact that they gave me the wrong cake.  Grr, incompetence at its best.  But it was really good times – I feel like it’s going to be one of the last times where everyone will be together… Kelv was there in spirit of course.  Anna’s brother took us to SD to see Vickie and that was great fun as well.  Sunning and shopping your life away wouldn’t be too bad at all.  John and I moved into our apartment and with lots of help from Anna and Kelv, we put together our furniture and I think we’re finally settled in.  It hasn’t by far been perfect, but I’m learning how to be considerate and not so naggy… we received postcards from Nhon and Steph who are currently in Europe (lucky ducks) and I got all sentimental about the fact that we were jumping into our careers too quickly without setting aside time to just be with those whose company we immensely enjoy, those we love love love.  So like I said, I start work tomorrow and I’ve already starting my CPA review classes (which I honestly think that I will fail), Jess has already left for DC and I miss all my girls + 1, even though two of them are only half an hour away.  Sad… stupid funk.

I guess the great debate still remains: should we be celebrating or resenting the fact that we have to move on and consolidate our student loans and pay our bills and be nice to our neighbors and work our lives away?  On the other hand, you could argue that it is taking responsibility for ourselves and our lives, and it gives us the freedom to do what we want and finance our way… blah blah blah.  Anyway, it’s almost one in the afternoon and I suppose I should wake John up.  Another time, perhaps.